New Year's Ruminations.

It's time!
Time for New Year's resolutions and champagne for breakfast.

I have rarely, if ever, stuck with a New Year's resolution. And yet I make them. Every year.
It's the whole "new-year-new-beginning" feeling that gets me.

Regardless of the outcome, I think it's a really positive activity. Thinking about how I can be better. It's about action and moving forward and having purpose, I think.



So I resolve.
Which is interesting, because I spend a lot of the year ruminating.
Instead of planning and moving forward, I find myself worrying about the past.

Past conversations, past actions, past decisions.

How could I have done things differently? Reacted less? Supported more?



A few weeks ago, reading the blog Not Without Salt, I stumbled upon an article from The New York Times: The Life Reports II. Give it a read.

Author David Brooks compiled essays from people over 70, in which they explored what they had done well and what they had done poorly in their lives. What made them happy and what didn't.

Though the entire article is incredibly interesting, this is the part that really got to me:

"Beware rumination. There were many long, detailed essays by people who are experts at self-examination. They could finely calibrate each passing emotion. But these people often did not lead the happiest or most fulfilling lives. It’s not only that they were driven to introspection by bad events. Through self-obsession, they seemed to reinforce the very emotions, thoughts and habits they were trying to escape.

Many of the most impressive people, on the other hand, were strategic self-deceivers. When something bad was done to them, they forgot it, forgave it or were grateful for it. When it comes to self-narratives, honesty may not be the best policy". - David Brooks

So my New Year's Resolution became: Stop Ruminating. Stop wasting energy on things that have past and move forward.



But then I got to thinking....if we never ruminate how do we get better? How do we grow? How do we learn from mistakes if we never take a moment to pause and reflect on them?

If we don't ruminate do we end up being shallow?

Confused, I asked four friends (and heavy-weight thinkers) to weigh-in on the topic of RUMINATION.



DJ BERGER
Too Few To Mention

The other night we talked about regret. We talked about the anxiety we all feel over our past actions, that replaying of things that keeps us up at night.

Why did I do that?
Why didn't I see this coming?
When am I going to stop making the same mistakes?

The person who brought it up (who, incidentally, seems to always be doing a hundred things right all the time, but there you go) specifically used the word 'ruminate'. I love this great, old-fashioned, chew-you-up word, not only because the long 'u' has the same music as 'doom' in it, but because its antediluvian aspect is in direct opposition to modernity's thoughtless self-assurance, all these empty maxims like

don't live in the past
everything happens for a reason
tomorrow's another day
shake it off
get over it
move on

And because it *is* such a life-is-for-drivers, just-do-it culture these days, I really don't have a problem with reflection and introspection, even the kind with pain laced within it. Like all things, it's just a question of amount. We should all seek the right level of questioning -- both of ourselves and the world around us -- and part of that is dealing with guilt and regret. But whenever I find myself feeling sick over the mistakes I've made, and wishing I could do certain things over, I remember the curative power of getting up and leaving the room and going for a walk, if only to see a greater perspective, because while we should never forget our missteps, we need to understand our ability to leave them behind, and how little they really matter, in the end, to the big wide world.

{DJ is a writer, artist, graphic designer and co-founder of UpStart Press. He is also the author of the *pee-your-pants-hysterical* blog: red-handed. He lives in Kingston with his super cute daughter, Oona and his, even-cuter, wife Christina.}



Y.S. LEE
On Rumination

At the risk of sounding like a smug smarty-pants, could we please distinguish between self-awareness and self-indulgence? To me, that seems to be the missing subtext from this post about the dangers of rumination.

Rumination, definition one: to be critical of your own failures, to consider how you might do things differently, to know your shortcomings. It means you stand a chance (however slender) of not making the same mistake over and over again.

Rumination, definition two: to luxuriate in a past hurt, to spend emotional energy on something you can’t change, to immerse yourself in the past without moving forwards.

Seems like a dead end, like the original blog post suggests.

{Y.S. Lee, also known as Ying, is the author of numerous books, including a series of fabulous (award-winning) books called The Agency. You can find her at her official website HERE. Ying is smart and funny and I just love to spend time with her. She lives in Kingston with her lovely husband Nick and their two adorable children.}



CHRISTINA DECARIE
‎“For if there is a sin against life, it consists in perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.”
Albert Camus, Philosophical Genius

Our New Year’s resolutions emerge from regret. I wish I had been thinner. I wish I had been thriftier. I wish I had cleaned up the garage and organized the family photos.

Regret gets a bad rap. We are urged to reject it and its first cousin, Guilt. We should live in the moment, look to the future, and not wallow in the past. We should strive boldly and joyfully, living lives that are right, just, and good. Like Nancy Drew.
Imagine Nancy Drew drawing up a list of resolutions based on her regrets. “I wish I had been…braver. Oh, wait. I was. I was really brave. I wish I had been more polite and had better posture. Oh, wait, both are impeccable. I wish I had never stepped out the door without my hair and lipstick being just so. Oh, wait.”

Now imagine Hamlet doing the same. “I wish I could take action. I wish I could make a decision. I wish I had come home just a little earlier. I wish I had been nicer to Ophelia.” Alas, poor Yorick, indeed.

None of us is anything like Nancy Drew. Shakespeare is the genius in this little role play, and Hamlet is the character who held a mirror to us all and our inconsistencies and failings. We are imperfect. We wish we weren’t. Why reject regret and all the opportunities it offers us?

“Resolutions are popular because everyone feels they could use a little improvement.”
Marilu Henner, Hot Actress

{Christina is a writer, editor and co-founder of UpStart Press with her husband, DJ Berger. She is also a professor of Communications at St. Lawrence College and mama to one sweet little gal. She does 1 million other things that I don't have room to list. She's awesome.}



TINA COLLINS

When my friend and doctor, Jillian, asked me to write about ‘over-ruminating’ I, naturally, began to ruminate over the many ways I help clients overcome this life-interrupting condition.

Did I over-ruminate about it?
Possibly.

Does everyone?
Of course.

Does it negatively affect our lives?
You bet it does.

The truth is that it keeps us from living full, happy and abundant lives. But before I share tools to overcoming over-rumination, I want to shift our thoughts and feelings about the word itself. It implies that we’re doing something wrong which makes us feel bad about ourselves. Who wants that? So, let’s stop using “over-ruminating” and start using “holding on” or “letting go” instead; a much more positive message that redirects the focus from doing wrong to doing right.
Now that we have the semantics taken care of, let’s get down to business.

The first step in learning to let go is to discover the situations in your life that you let go/hold on.
Ask yourself:

• Do I let go/hold on to work-related, financial or friend/family related situations? • Do I expect a lot? • Do I obsess about what others think or about the things that I said or didn’t say last week?
• Do I think about things that I cannot change and that are out of my control?
• Do I let others get under my skin?

We all have situations in our lives that have more “sticking power” than others.
That’s ok. Let go of all judgement. This is an opportunity.
As you’re thinking about these situations WRITE THEM DOWN.

Next, you’re going to analyze this discovery.
From what you’ve written down, can you see trends? Are there situations in your life when you let go easily?

If yes, focus on those positive events. Ask yourself and respond honestly:

• How do I need to learn from this situation (whatever you’re holding on to)?
• How do I feel when I let go?
• How does life respond when I let go?
• How does holding on affect me?
• How am I comparing myself to others?
• How can I live more consistently with what is most important to me?
• How can I accept what is and let go of what could/should be?

After you’ve had an opportunity to analyze some of your truthful answers, revisit whether they are positive or negative. If an answer is negative, rephrase it to positive. Your answers are the keys to letting go.

If you’re still not quite ready to let go of something that’s ok.
Sometimes, it is really hard.

The idea is to stop the spiral of negative thoughts and redirect them towards more positive and productive ones, one thought at a time.

When your thoughts change, your attitude and behaviours will follow. And when you behave in positive ways, life will reward you with love, happiness and abundance.
I promise.

{Tina Collins is a life-coach and consultant extraordinaire. Through her businesses Lovely Life and People Centric Inc, Tina works to bring out the best in people and organizations alike. She's interesting and inspirational.....she also happens to have the craziest laugh I've ever heard.}



So there it is folks.
Now, it's New Year's Eve.
Get off the computer, get dressed up and grab a drink. It's time to ring in 2012!

Fingers crossed, we don't F&*K it up.

Happy New Year!
Jill

[pictures: www.weheartit.com]