Helping A New Mama.

Becoming a new mama is such a huge ordeal, especially the first time. It's impossible to understand how overwhelming and consuming it feels until you've been in the thick of it.

Every woman has her own unique post-partum experience and yet we are all, remarkably, the same: intense love mixed with uncertainty, joy paired with fear, and the underwhelming feeling that we might be a little bit alone......

Immediately following the birth of Winnie I felt both unimaginable elation and a deep-seated, unfamiliar anxiety. I was so full of love I thought I'd burst though tears spilled freely every evening.


When you're on the outside: the grandmother, the partner, the friend, the mother-in-law, it can be hard to figure out how to help. When someone we love is struggling to cope it can be scary. I think we're often so scared to step on toes or push boundaries that we shy away from really getting involved.....but a new baby is hard work! It is the work of many and no one person should do it alone. Studies have shown that women with strong relationships and support systems fair better in the post-partum period and adjust to life as a mother more easily.
New mamas need help.

I know every woman is different with her own unique needs and requests, but I thought I'd reminisce about a few things that I remember being so so incredibly helpful as a new mum. The moments that, to this day, remain crystal clear because I felt supported and loved and cared for.........and most definitely not alone.


Kind Words
The phone calls, the emails, the letters and visitors....telling me how proud they were of me and how good I looked (very generously!). Telling me they loved our choice of name and that Winnie was the most gorgeous baby.


The words weren't important: just the tone and the overall message that it was okay to feel like our baby was perfect...because she was (and is!).

{On the same note, I hate to say it but I also remember the not-so nice words quite clearly:

"Winnifred? Hmph. That's quite a big name for such a tiny girl!"
"Ugh. I'm so glad we're out of THAT phase."

Not cool. When you've just given birth, you're vulnerable. Emotions run high and what might seem like an insignificant little comment can feel like a really big jab.}

Food

For the most part, my mother took care of this department. Everyday healthy meals and cups of tea were placed in front of me at just the right times. When all of my energy was being put into my teeny tiny baby, there was always someone taking care of me.

Jamie's aunt J dropped by with homemade soup and bread a few days after Winnie was born. I remember because I was so relieved to have something to eat that I didn't have to prepare. It was a huge weight off my shoulders not to have to think of lunch.

Though I never even considered bringing food to new mamas before I gave birth, it is now the FIRST thing I think of. Homemade? Store bought? Doesn't matter. Food that is ready to go will always be appreciated!



Taking Care of Everything BUT the Baby
Again, thank god for my mother! But friends and husbands and family members can all chip in on this one. Do the dishes, the laundry, the gardening. Don't ask, just get it done. If you're anything like my crazy mother you could also clean behind the washing machine, dryer, fridge and stove........

While the work of the house was taken care of I was free to master the art of breastfeeding and cloth diapering and bathing a wee one.....and still had lots of times for cuddles.

The very hardest post-partum day for me was the day my parents left. Jamie had to hold me down while I sobbed, knowing that my biggest source of support was gone. Jamie worked all day and my only other relative nearby (my youngest sister) was busy in her second year of medical school. I couldn't fathom how I was supposed to take care of me and a baby and a house and WORK all at the same time!

I, of course, adapted and with the help of my wonderful husband and his family we eventually found balance......but the extra help was key in those first few weeks.

Check-ins

Frequent, regular phone calls from my doula were an unexpected blessing. They started out daily and then became weekly and, eventually monthly. The last call I received was when Winnie was 12 months old!

Her phone calls often brought me to tears. They were always a pleasant surprise....I had no idea she would continue to call for a YEAR! As Winnie moved out of the newborn phase, most people forgot that everyday was still a new challenge for me! It was incredible to think that someone was still thinking of me, caring about how Winnie and I were coping, ready to lend a hand or a kind word.

Regardless of when she called, I always seemed to have a question or a concern I'd been mulling over for days. She would listen and sometimes give quiet advice but usually she would just assure me I was doing everything perfectly. Perfectly. Whether I was or wasn't is debatable but it just felt good to have someone on my side. Someone to boost my confidence, to re-inforce my mothering instinct and teach me to trust myself.

That woman is worth her weight in gold I tell you!

You don't have to be a doula or a midwife to fill this role. All you need is a telephone, a listening ear and the ability to reassure a new mama that she is a perfect mama....just the way she is.

Helpful Books
A couple of special friends sent us their favorite "baby" books. Nothing pushy, just "These really helped us......here they are if you need them."

We shoved them on a shelf and didn't look at them for ages. Then one night, inevitably at 3am, the moment came we found ourselves lost, struggling to find the right way up, sleep-deprived and grasping at straws.......and down came the books.

A little bit of information at just the right time, allowed us to work together as a team, make a plan and *feel* like we were back in control....if only momentarily.

Which book? Again, I don't think it matters. it's just nice to have some direction in a difficult moment. Over the course of six months we turned to several different books. None of them provided the KEYS (wouldn't that be nice!) to parenting but each of them offered a useful piece of advice at the moment we needed it.

A Gift Just For Me
…Selfish? Maybe, but my brother-in-law bought me a very special designer bag as a baby gift and I love it. Though I did decide to turn it into a diaper bag (I guess that's where my brain was!), it was nice to have someone acknowledge "the mum" in the chaos of the new baby. I get compliments on my diaper bag all the time and it always makes me smile!

The Moral of the Story?
When a friend or relative is struggling, it can be hard to know how to help. Regardless of what you do, the important thing is to do something.

Be brave! Be generous!

"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does."
~William James